I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
