never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
