I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
