If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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