Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
