Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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