Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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