I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
