i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
