Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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