Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize