I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Randomize
