hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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