Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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