You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
