Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
