Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
