This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
