I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
