Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
