Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Randomize
