i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
