How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
