Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
