I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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