I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
