He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
