The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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