There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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