If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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