It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
