I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
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