I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
