Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
