so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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