we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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