Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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