I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
