Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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