im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize
