3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
ugly people sure do ruin things
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November