Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.