omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
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He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
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Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??