even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
