is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
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who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
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She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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