he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
You made out with two different species that night
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
