2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
