Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
