mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
