he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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