my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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