I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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