I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
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Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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