Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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