I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
