then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Randomize
