I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
