Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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