haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Randomize
