I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
