I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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