I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
