He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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