If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
